With the summer of cricket about to get underway, the inaugural Saints XI has been named.
While the talent is certainly real within this esteemed group, please note that some events, retellings and scenarios may be slightly exaggerated or completely fictitious for entertainment purposes.
Just like the sandwiches you’ll be enjoying on Boxing Day, this contains plenty of mayo.
1. Shane Warne (C)
After battling his way up through the St Kilda reserves (and changing sports), the King of Spin will finally represent St Kilda on the field as skipper of the Saints XI.
Even though he says he has to “go easy” on his less-experienced teammates, Warnie’s wild celebrations are always on full display when he dismisses each batsman in the nets.
Although he loves dishing out the odd sledge, firing one back will really ruffle his feathers – whatever real ones are left.
2. Glenn Maxwell (VC)
As the Saints’ excitement machine and leading run-scorer (by a considerable margin), Glenn Maxwell finds himself as an overwhelming fan-favourite of the Saints XI.
Shoulder soreness from carrying the side hasn’t slowed the No. 32 down, with his spectacular batting displays and freakish fielding never wavering.
As part of a deal he’s got going between a few of the boys, Maxy gets a free lunch for every incredible catch he takes on the field.
And at this rate, he’ll never have to open his wallet again.
3. David Hussey
St Kilda diehard David Hussey comes out of retirement to bring much-needed stability and class to the top of the order.
Just like the King brothers, we wish we had both Husseys as part of the red, white and black, but we’ll settle on the one for now.
Now if we could just get Ben Michael to become a Saint…
4. Jarryn Geary
Jarryn Geary delivers during the tea break with quality party pies, and backs it up on the field with the ones he serves up when he bowls.
Luckily, Gears is a stylish right-hand bat, boasting a glorious cover drive that is a sight to behold – even though he holds the pose a bit too long.
The No. 14 also happens to be in charge of the fines system, with his controversial calls often landing him in hot water among his teammates.
5. Dylan Roberton
Although the infamous balls-tampering incident from 2017 still haunts him, Dylan Roberton is fixed on putting his demons behind him heading into this summer.
The solid middle-order batsman can whack the ball all over the field, but is notorious for only running twos or taking a quick single off the last ball of the over.
Even though he’s worked tirelessly on his defence across the past two years, Robbo can still be fooled by the slower ball and remains vulnerable around middle stump.
6. Wasim Akram
As part of the all-time Test XI and former captain of Pakistan, Wasim Akram was a safe bet to make it into the Saints’ squad.
St Kilda’s stumps are in short supply following the Pakistani legend’s arrival at RSEA Park, with his lightning-quick left-arm shattering the pegs time after time.
It doesn’t help either that our batsmen are too scared to face him.
We have Wasim’s father-in-law Tony and wife Shaniera to thank for getting him into the side, who said barracking for the Saints was part of the marriage deal!
7. Josh Battle
Flashy both on and off the field, Battle’s elegant strokeplay saw him earn a cricket scholarship to study at Haileybury College.
The self-proclaimed “front-foot specialist” is rock-solid when any half-trackers come his way, with the No. 26 belting any bad deliveries out of the park.
That said, Batts admits he parks his car a fair distance away from the pitch to avoid any self-inflicted damage from the “countless” sixes he hits.
8. Jake Carlisle
While Carlisle is known for hitting boundaries, he’s also prone to pushing them with his banter in the field.
The talented all-rounder once blasted an unbeaten 146 for the Craigieburn Second XI in 2015, but we have it on good authority that the opposition’s pace-attack was headed up by a 14-year-old.
9. Dimitri Mascarenhas
He may be mild-mannered as St Kilda’s Player Development Coordinator, but Dimitri Mascarenhas is absolutely explosive with bat in hand.
The former England cricketer boasts the record for most runs in an over (ODI), blasting 30 off Yuvraj Singh in one of the most incredible displays of international cricket.
He somehow topped the jaw-dropping achievement during one of Saints’ net sessions, smacking an astonishing 47 off one of Jarryn Geary’s overs.
An incredible feat seeing there are only six balls in an over...
10. Kate McCarthy
Armed with an appalling selection of chat at silly mid-off, Kate McCarthy is the player you don’t want anywhere near you while batting.
Fortunately, her cheeky leggies make up for her subpar sledging, with the elite Queensland spinner crediting hours of watching Warnie to her many cricket accomplishments.
While the future is still an open book for McCarthy, she’s very intent on hanging onto her Under 15 National Player of the Championship Award during the 2007-08 season.
11. Jamie Cox
St Kilda’s own ‘Mr Cricket’ will come out from behind his screen to round out the Saints’ inaugural squad.
Luckily, Coxy is just as vocal on the field as he is on Twitter.
As St Kilda’s AFLW Head of Football and a former member of Cricket Australia's National Selection Committee, JC is constantly analysing, reviewing and making important decisions – traits which he carries out on the pitch.
Unfortunately, his methodical and well-measured approach slows the over rate dramatically, with Coxy’s careful examination of the field and insistence on taking two centres before each delivery keeping action to a bare minimum.
The proof is in the pudding though, with 51 First Class centuries to his name.